Move the Dumpster
Ezra 9:6 - And I said: “O my God, I am too ashamed and humiliated to lift up my face to You, my God; for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has grown up to the heavens.
Our sins can be heavy. We can feel deeply ashamed. Ashamed to the point we feel completely unworthy to lift up our hands to the Lord. We've gone so far we can't believe God could save us. Is it even worth the forgiveness if we believe we will just do it again? We accept the, "We are who we are."
Yet at the same time we yell to God wanting to change but breathless with the words to ask, "How?" We feel we've tried everything or because we are so overwhelmed by our sin or distracted by the things in our lives we take our eyes off where they should be.
Some of us feel like we have a stockpile of sin behind us. We keep adding to the pile. Even after asking for forgiveness, it's like our sin was put into a giant dumpster like the one they use for renovations, meant to be thrown away, yet we leave it on our front lawn. A visible reminder of what we have done. As we look outside every day or walk out the door, we walk past the dumpster and we begin to think about our mistakes.
When we leave the dumpster, we don't allow God to water the grass underneath so it begins to turn brown and die. By holding on to our sin, we hold a place within ourselves that God is trying to fill and make well. There is a stain on our heart. Remove the dumpster so when we look outside aka inward at ourselves, we can see the goodness of God's care in our hearts and lives. He can restore the brown grass but He can't if you leave the dumpster there.
As I was writing this, thoughts of earlier that day and what I was struggling with came across my mind. I was calling to God asking, "What can I do?" And as I am writing this, God introduced to me some of the steps.
In no particular order:
1. Forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself and holding over your head the mistakes you've made. Too many times we ask for forgiveness hoping God will have mercy on us yet we can't have mercy on ourselves to forgive US. Not for the reason of, "I am human and I will,"" but because we serve a God who will give everything to us for our walk to be successful. Hold the initial guilt, but repent and move forward.
2. Short term memory. Pastor is always reminding me that we can't count the days it's been. We can't control yesterday and tomorrow is not promised, so all we can do is focus on the day in front of us. One day at a time.
3. When we repent and ask for forgiveness, God doesn't have His own dumpster on the throne that He leaves to be reminded of the trash we are storing up. By the blood of Jesus it is washed away, without trace. If God kept a dumpster: imagine.
You're not who you think you are. You are who God says you are and what better judge of character. I needed this verse because it truly explained how I felt spiritually. We can smile and laugh in public but behind closed doors, we're a mess. I'd reached a point of wanting to throw in the towel despite deep in my heart wanting to be made well and to live a long life of glorifying the name of YHWH.
I don't know who needs to hear this. Maybe I'm being too vulnerable and transparent. Maybe no one. Maybe one. Regardless. If you feel you have a stockpile, have backslid, or stumbled - throw away the trash, let God carry it away from your front lawn to be cast away, and seek the presence of the Lord in your life.